


From Dublin, to Rivendell and Woodland OR From Middle Earth with Love

by Prisioux



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings (Movies), The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: 10th walker kind of, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Anal Sex, F/M, Humor, Interspecies Romance, Jokes, Multi, Oral Sex, Sex, Silly, Threesome - F/M/M, World Travel, happy with realistic ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2018-03-02
Packaged: 2019-02-24 16:19:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13217493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prisioux/pseuds/Prisioux
Summary: Glorfindel is a cad; he thought Earth girls WERE easy and ended up having twins, Scarlet and Caroline O´Hara.Their mother wants Justice; she enlists the help of the twins best friend, Helmi Maia, to go to Middle Earth and put the elf-men in their places...





	1. Chapter 1

Scarlet´s legs were shaking; Rivendell was a mere 200 meters away and the red haired woman started to have second thoughts about their mission: “ I am not sure I can do this, Helmi!

“We go inside and demand Justice, as our mother told us to do!” said Caroline, her blond haired twin sister. “The most difficult was coming this far; we cannot go back now, Scar!”

Helmi watched the scene with caution; she was not their sister by blood, but by choice. It pained her to see Scarlet so scared and yet, she understood it should be a very difficult thing to do- to travel through worlds after spending their lives thinking they were humans, when in fact, both girls were half elves- and that was the reason they had spent the past two months preparing for this :

“You do not need to expose yourself- especially since you will become a 10th walker - so I will do the talking, okay? All you have to do is look sad, uncomfortable and cry when I give you the sign. Understood? It will be awesome, Scarlet!”

This whole mess started when Scarlet and Caroline's mother, Moira was fighting the cancer that finally took her. After years of evading questions about the twins father, Moira finally decided to tell the whole truth.

Knowing that she would not be able to hold to life much longer, their mother asked Helmi to fly over to Dublin and join in them in their quest to Middle Earth. Moira could not think of anybody better than Helmi to do what needed to be done: bring Glorfindel, Scarlet and Caroline´s deadbeat daddy, to Justice in his own land.

 

***

Helmi met Scarlet five minutes before she met Caroline.

Scarlet needed help with her math homework- never her favorite subject- so her mother asked her teacher for recommendation on finding a tutor: “ Oh, there is an older pupil named Helmi and she is very good at tutoring; I will speak to her and see if she has free time.”

A couple of days later, fourteen years old Helmi was welcomed into the O´Hara household: “ Oh, you must be the tutor! Thank you for doing this at such a short notice-” Moira was very impressed at how Helmi looked: light olive skin, black and long curly hair and, most impressive, her eyes of the exact colour of honey. “ You do have lovely eyes, if may I say. Where do you come from again?”

“Brazil.”

Moira smiled :“The weather in Ireland must have been a shock, I imagine!””

“Not really, no; Daddy is a Diplomat. We are used to such differences. I myself, was born in Helsinki. That is why my name is Helmi. It means Pearl in finnish.”

Moira decided she liked Helmi and hoped she was as good at teaching as she was at meeting parents. She took the girl to the bedroom Scarlet and Caroline shared. Their apartment was not very big, but clean and organized.

“Scarlet, this is Helmi, your tutor. If you need anything- water, tea- just let me know. I will be in the kitchen.”

The first thing Helmi did when Moira left them was to comment on Scarlet´s name: “ It is the first time I meet a Scarlet O'Hara, so it is quite thrilling. I love the movie! I heard?”

“Yes, I do. A sister, younger by a minute. Of course, mother named her Caroline O´Hara. What can i say? Mom has good taste in movies.”

“She sure do!” Helmi winked at the younger girl. “ Let's celebrate the fact that she did not name you Pansy O'Hara instead by solving some equations!”

Before they could even start, they were interrupted by “Hey, sorry to interrupt, Scar...I forgot my bow.”

“Hi there, you must be Caroline O´Hara; I am Helmi Maia, pleased to meet you!”

While Scarlet was a mini copy of her mother- already tall for a twelve years old, with red hair and green eyes- Caroline, Helmi assumed, must have been their father´s spitting image. She was also tall, but her hair was golden and her eyes, the purest blue there was.

The years passed and their friendship progressed quite naturally. Scarlet never had much interest in following an academic path, but joining the national fencing gave her the boost to pursue a Physical Education Degree. Caroline was more of an intellectual type and decided to study Social Sciences while Helmi, always the practical, entered Business School.

Even when Helmi moved to Amsterdam to start working for a big company and after Caroline decided to drop school, move to rural Ireland with her boyfriend and live in an organic dairy farm, the three friends never lost sight of each other.

It was all going well for Helmi until she got a second promotion at work and caught the eye of the C.E.O. Helmi was thin, but curvy. She did not believe big breasted girls should hide their “girls” because there was no reason to be ashamed of them.“ I do not flaunt, of course, but if I want to wear a beautiful dress that happens to have a cleavage, I will wear it, god damned!”

Well, the C.E.O started to become all handsy with Helmi on more than one occasion. “ He is such a pig! I had to smile and try to steer the conversation to a work related topic when he keeps asking me about the beautiful naked girls in Rio. I swear to God, Scarlet, next time he comes on to me, I will make a scene.”

Then, Helmi´s parents died in a car crash; she took a month long leave from work to handle all the bureaucracy. She was an only child. Scarlet and Caroline make sure to go to Rio for the funeral , expecting Helmi to be freaking out. Instead, she was definitely sad, but seemed in control of her emotions, enough to make huge changes in her life.

Her parent´s sudden death made Helmi even less tolerant to bullshit; so, she just sent her letter of resignation in the same day as she reported the C.E.O for internal misconduct.

She spent the next six months handling her affairs in Brazil; it was only when Moira called her and told about the cancer that Helmi packed her things and flew over.

 

***

When Moira told her story, revealing the relationship with Glorfindel, Helmi assumed it was all the drugs  and cancer treatment going to the woman's head.

Moira was dying, but her sanity had not deserted her: “ I would not believe it myself. That is why I need to prove it ... Scarlet, Caroline: long time ago I told you never to remove your earrings; now I tell you the opposite. Take them off!”

Scarlet and Caroline did not answer Moira; they looked at each other and at Helmi and back again to their mother. “Go on girls, do it!”

_Shit!_

Helmi screamed at the top of her lungs :“Jesus Fucking Christ , Scarlet and Caroline O´Hara! You are indeed fucking half breed elfs!”

The transformation was almost immediate: their round ears turned pointy and their eyebrows went slightly upwards as they removed the earrings.

Moira died a week after the revelation; before she drifted into a pain medication induced haze, she wrote a full account of her life with Glorfindel.  She instructed Scarlet, Caroline and Helmi to contact a man in Oxford called Mr T..., who was, as she put it, “ handling their case against Glorfindel” .

“My daughters, I am sorry I will not be there when you go to Middle Earth, but go you should. I assume not every ellonis as bad as your father and I think you should spend time with them to decide your future. Helmi has agreed to go with you and act in defense of your interests. Never forget that mama loves you with all her heart.”

They were all fans of the world Tolkien had created, Scarlet the biggest of them; to discover that not only elves existed, but that some were as disingenuous and disgusting as regular men were, was heartbreaking, at least to the twins.

“Oh my...if we cannot even trust elves who can we trust, Helmi?” Scarlet asked in earnest

“Maybe the mistake was thinking that they were so much different?” Helmi said with a smile. “ Come on, girl,s let´s book a very cheap flight to England and meet your handler!”

 

***

Caroline hated flying and had reasons not to leave Ireland, at least not at that time: “ I need to clean the house, organize the things, really..and drive to the farm to get my stuff. I am leaving Liam. “

“I am sorry to hear, sis.” Scarlet was shocked; she had had just a couple of relationships that survived the six months mark, but Caroline had been going strong with Liam for over four years.

“What happened, Caroline?I assume it is not the shock of your mother´s death that made you take this step…” Helmi never cared much for Liam; she preferred Alpha males and Caroline´s former boyfriend was a sort of hippie hipster guy.

“He wanted us to welcome a girl in our relationship. The thing is, if he had been in love with her, perhaps I would be willing to give it a try. It would not work, of course, but maybe it would have helped him decide how he really feels about me. But it was nothing like that; I guess he just wanted to see two girl fucking and I am not here to make his fantasies come true.”

Helmi shook her head: “ Wow, it is always the quiet ones, right? I am glad you are so being so open minded and adult in how you are handling the break up, Carol. I would have made him regret the day he was born if I was in your shoes…”

Scarlet and Helmi arrived with only their backpacks, intent in staying the minimum amount of time in Oxford, as they still had to deal with the things Moira left behind; she had bequeathed some items to relations and friends, left some money to charity and all the rest would go to Scarlet and Caroline, including the jewelry Glorfindel had given her through the years. Helmi herself was gifted a beautiful necklace of starlight gems- diamonds- that also came from Middle Earth she assumed, a gift she deeply treasured, as Moira was a sort of role model for her, an independent and strong woman raising two amazing girls on her own.

They were greeted by a driver with the names “ O'Hara and Maia” written on a piece of paper. It was a two hours drive from London to Oxford; they were tired and slept through most of it.

Scarlet and Helmi checked in at the Hotel and just stayed long enough to leave their humble belongings in the shared room while the driver waited. Then, he drove them  to a very elegant, two story building at the end of the main street, but refused their tip:

“Thank you, but I cannot accept it. It has been all paid. They will call me to pick you both up and take you to the hotel once you are finished. See you later!”

A young, blond woman welcomed Scarlet and Helmi and showed them to the handler´s office. He was an old member of the Elven Friends, with grey hair and thick glasses.  

Mr T...  explained that Tolkien came from a very old line of “ friends”, humans that helped the Fair Folk in his dealings on Earth or, in this case, dealt with the consequences of their misbehavior. Since Tolkien had a talent with words - and the costs of helping the elves were getting too high - he was allowed to write their stories.

For what the handler told Scarlet and Helmi, Glorfindel was far from the only ellon that thought Earth girls were easy:

“I remember the day your mother came; you and your sister must have been a year old, already walking, speaking and singing like the good elflings you were. Your ears, of course,had to be pierced since birth, to hide your identity by giving you a more human appearance and taking some of your elvish abilities. But I heard you are an athlete of some renown, right?”

Scarlet nodded : “ Yes, I am on the Olympic fencing Team for Ireland, Sir.”

“Oh, you must be a good one; Glorfindel is rather impressive, I heard.” The old man stood up and went for the old book shelves behind them, where he retrieved a large book. “ Here it is! The artist who made this managed to capture much of your father´s ferocity. A truly marvellous rendering, don´t you think?”

“Yes, very beautiful picture; however, we came here to speak about my very personal issue. Mother mentioned there is an ongoing case against my father and that you would be able to transport us to Middle Earth? She wants me to experience their way of life too, not only to seek Justice.”

The old man cleared his throat : “ We quickly found that that what Miss O'hara mother told us was true and we reached and agreement, yes.You will be reaching elvish maturity in Middle Earth upon your twentieth first birthday, since here time runs five times as faster.”  He then opened one of drawers of his old, wooden carved desk and, from there, he retrieved a piece of jewelry, that looked like a watch.” This artifact was created by Radagast, the brown and …”

“Radagast?” Helmi interrupted.” I assumed Gandalf would be the one helping us. “ She hoped nothing bad had happened to the wizard: “What happened to Gandalf? Is he dead?”

“Gandalf is overworked; Since Saruman turned evil, and the two other wizards are too important to be bothered to answer our summons, we turned to Radagast. I assure you he is as good as any other Istari, Scarlet. This object will open a portal. Radagast will be on the other side, guiding your travel through worlds. The three of you, and your the belongings you care to take with you, will magically arrive on Middle Earth, most precisely at Rivendell, the day before Lord Elrond is to hold his Council.”

Scarlet´s heart started beating. _Oh my God, I will be attending the FUCKING COUNCIL OF ELROND!_

One look at her friend and Helmi knew the fangirl in Scarlet had took over. “ Pst, girl, we are here to take your father sorry ass to Court! Not to be in a 10th walker fanfiction.”

The old man cleared his throat once again: “ Actually, the deal that was made includes your assistance to their quest…”

 

***

“Okay, we have two months to prepare, homegirl. The Tolkien guy said we could take our personal belongings with us. He did not specify how much or what we could take.”

 _Fuck, Helmi had an idea!_ It was admirable really, Helmi´s commitment into wreaking havoc on those who wronged her friends. Nothing was low enough or bad enough. For those who trespassed against her, Helmi would offer forgiveness first, as the good Catholic girl she was, and only act in anger if they acted a second time. But messing with her friends...no, no , Helmi would not allow it!

“What do you have in mind?”

“Guns. Lots of Guns. I want to see you going Rambo on those Orcs. I want you to channel your inner Arnold Schwarzenegger in Commando.”

“Oh boy. I am on!” Helmi was the instigator much of the times, but once Scarlet joined her friend in mischief, things would get intense, her competitive side arising.

Caroline too, was not to be overlooked when it came to play dirty :“ There is the Balrog in Moria, right? How can we help Gandalf defeat a Balrog? Do you think a super extinguisher would do the trick?”

“Shit, girl, we should investigate this. A great idea. Let's think of more ways we can cheat and help the good guys defeat the enemy!”

The next weeks saw the three friends working their asses off: Helmi was a terrible swimmer, so Scarlet saw to her training and they also start taking riding lessons almost daily. Running, throwing knives, training self defense and mixed martial arts- there was a lot to learn and prepare.

Scarlet and Caroline took not to wear their earrings anymore as to get used to their new capabilities and strength. But even them would cry at night, their muscles sore, their brains trying to cope with the amount of new information being processed.

Helmi started to get apprehensive; among other things, they had elvish powers, she did not. So, she tried to compensate by studying warfare and strategy, at least to train her mind to what lied ahead. “I guess they would have the technology

“I guess it is a possibility, yes, but right now, I have all figured out here and I should train for the Olympic Games. I am not sure if I would stay, but...the handler said you could come back by yourself, The Portal does not work only for me.”

“I was thinking about it, Scar.” Helmi was more playing with the rice noodles than eating it; all that exercise made chewing painful.”Our lives are kind of pathetic, really. I have a good relationship with my cousins, but , other than that and my friends, I am alone. With you is more or less the same. You have no contact with your grandparents because your mother chose to have you out of the wedlock. All you do is train, study and eat take away food. I have a Business Degree and I swore to God and myself that I am never, ever going corporate again. I just broke up with a nice enough guy because he wanted to move in with me. We have nothing going on for us here, Scar.“

“Truer words were never spoken.” _We are really pathetic, coming to think of._ “You are the closest person I have, this I knew, but I never thought it was the same with you. The decision should be ours, really. We either stay in Middle Earth, together, or we come back and change our lives for the better. What d you say?”

“I would say we should make a toast, but we have no alcohol and I am too tired to move right now.”

They went to bed five minutes later.

 

***

On Scarlet and Caroline´s birthday, instead of a cake and prosecco, they spent the day meticulously packing everything they had deemed “ necessary” to their trip.

Not only they would try to shake Middle Earth warfare to its core, with an assortment of  weapons, ammo, bullet proof vests and drugs ( don´t ask how they managed to get their hands on this stuff- MAFIA CONNECTIONS!), but also laptop, solar charger and external hard drives filled with all they held dear in terms of movies and music and, of course, Tolkien's complete works, provided by their handler, in exquisite editions, to be gifted to the three Elven Realms.

Helmi, Caroline and Scarlett made a circle, embracing three huge and expensive luggage pieces ( with wheels); they also were  carrying huge backpack with their clothes, shoes, toiletries, snacks and everything they felt they would miss from this world, hoping that whatever magic that was  contained in that artifact would be  strong enough to teletransport so much weight.

“I am feeling exactly like brazilians travelling abroad for the first time should feel. They keep  buying stuff  and end up with extra bags. Hopefully, this Radagast has put enough fuel in this _clock_ to take us and our souvenirs without a problems.”

Scarlet opened the device; the thing started blinking several times, as if loading its energy. It took a couple of failed attempts for Radagast to be able to levitate them ,and their trunks, high enough to reach the portal that was formed over their heads.

The wizard must have been tired, because when the portal opened at Rivendell and they were about a meter over the ground, they were suddenly dropped like two sacs of potatoes.

“Fuck, my butt hurt! Are you alright, Helmi?”

“Yes, I have enough fat on my ass, honey, it absorbed the impact.” Helmi helped Scarlet up; they were behind a bush, but could see the Last Homely Home close by.

Caroline sighted: “Not close enough….we must carry all this stuff, or risk elves to come and steal from us!”

Old dude from Tolkien estate had explained that Westron was English, which saved Helmi the trouble of having to learn Sindarin in two months. “ I hope somebody will come and help us than; those boots are definitely not made for walking.

At Scarlet´s insistence, they were dressed in their finest Pussycat Dolls circa 2004 outfits : thick and black tights and knee length black boots with heels.

Helmi, being the exhibitionist she was, chose a sleeveless mini black dress that accentuate her curves; Scarlet opted for a form fitting long sleeve shirt and mini skirt and Caroline wore a black laced bodice and shorts .

“Remind me once again we are arriving to accuse GLORFUCKINGFINDEL of seducing and abandoning your mother dressed as Pussycat Dolls?”

“Well.” Scarlet said matter of factly: “ I did not get to have a rebel phase, so this is my FUCK YOU, DADDY outfit.”

Helmi was proud; however she doubted  that the whole “ I-am-a-liberated-woman-comfortable-with-my-sexuality” concept had reached Middle Earth.

“Okay girl, it is show time!”

They started walking and carrying all their stuff; their backpacks were large and, with the heels, they were making slow progress. “ It must be 100 meters...but it feels like 10.000 …”

Helmi stopped for a second; she looked at the Gates and saw two guys standing there, clearly looking at them:

“See those two?? Fucking pigs! We come here to help save their asses and they do not even offer to carry our luggage! Chivalry is DEAD in Middle Earth!”

  


***

Legolas Thranduilion and Aragorn were about to take a stroll; the day was beautiful, despite being Autumn and the darkness spreading.

As they crossed the Gates of Rivendell, they saw three very strange looking women emerging from the bushes.

“Mellon, they must be mortals...no elleth would dress so…tightly?” Legolas was blushing.

The short woman had round and probably, amazing breasts under that tight dress. Her long, dark hair was styled on a ponytail, leaving her slender neck exposed while some of her curls fell over her shoulders. The arms were somewhat muscled and her skin, darker than they were used to see.

“Maybe she is a haradrim? I have never seen such colours before...or such clothes…” Aragorn offered; the southern tribes were seldom seen that North; their faces and customs were almost unknown, as their people did not maintain close ties to Elves, Men or dwarves.

The other two were taller;  one had red hair, long on the left side and short on the right one, barely covering her ear. Under her shirt one could clearly see the form of much smaller, but firm breasts. Her legs were muscular and she moved with the grace of an elleth, while her friend...moved as if she owned the place, despite fighting with the trunks. The blond one was wearing her long hair down and had very red lips.

“Should we offer them our assistance? “ Aragorn asked his friend, who barely moved. “ Must be heavy, carrying so many bags at once…”

“No, we stay here. We do not know if they are friends or foes.” Legolas said with a solemn voice, trying to pretend this odd occurrence was something he would see everyday.

They stopped and were looking at the with unfriendly expressions: “ See? They are not smiling; they cannot be friends. Friends would be happy to see us:” Legolas said as if it was that simple.

“Well, well , well.” The small woman said. “ You must be Legolas Thranduilion and Aragorn, also known as Strider. My name is Helmi Maia and my friends here “ Helmi pointed at the red haired woman. “ She is Scarlett O'Hara. “ Then she pointed at the blond one. “ This one is her twin sister, Caroline O'Hara.”

Helmi was trying her best not to lash out at the two heroes of Lord of the Rings for being less than kind...but she found it was difficult to forgive such terrible manners:

“Why did you not try to help us, may I ask? We were clearly needing some assistance. You could have put those muscles of yours to good use, but no...no, no, no. Much better to watch us suffer, right?“

Scarlet would have laughed, but she was so nervous about everything that she barely moved. It was beautiful, really, seeing Helmi giving no shits about the males before her and unloading all her frustration.

“We did not recognize you as either friends or foes; we just exercised caution. How do you know our names, Mortal?”

“Foes? Three women you never saw in your life, wearing Pussycat Dolls outfits and you are wondering if we came to hurt you?How the fuck would we hurt you, Legolas? Do you think we would what, seduce you, abandon you and end your poor, miserable elvish life, leaving you to fade? Because this dresses, from where we come from, are a sign of good intentions…”

Caroline could not help but to smile; she suppressed many giggles. She would never classify Pussycat dolls outfits as diplomatic clothing...

Legolas was visibly insulted; his cheeks, red. Aragorn was more amused than anything. Legolas was used to another kind of female attention, being a Prince and an Elf. It was simply too funny watching a  mortal woman almost half his size giving Legolas a hard time.

“You could never seduce me, child.” Legolas spat. “ I would never bond myself with a mortal; I never heard of any male ellon being so foolish as to …”

Helmi did not allow the royal brat to finish this sentence. “ Ah really, you think elves do not stick their elfhood into our poor vajays? GLORFINDEL, that fucking villain, enjoyed mortal women just fine. Those two here” Helmi pointed at Scarlet “are proof enough that elves, are filthy manwhores claiming to be perfect, hiding your vices and claiming the virtues of many innocent women of Earth! We are here to seek Justice! We demand Lord Elrond to hear the case against Glorfindel!”

“Lord Glorfindel would never sire children with mortals...you speak nonsense, child!”

“How dare you, Prince of the Woodland Realm! “ Helmi then grabbed Scarlet by her arms, turned her face left, aggressively removing her hair and revealing her pointy ears. “  You see this awful ear?THIS FUCKING AWFUL ELF EAR? She is a half elf, because her father is GLORFINDEL. We seek only Justice, Justice for poor Scarlet and poor Caroline, both raised by their mother, Moira O´Hara, in extreme poverty, while GLORFINDEL spread his seed around Earth, as if women were flowers and he was a bee!”

 _Oh my God, Legolas, please, do not engage! Just let us pass!_ At this rate, Scarlet thought, she would be down, laughing her ass off if the blond Ellon would keep giving Helmi´s reasons to make up even more sordid details of their already sad story.

“Mellon nin, this is Lord Elrond's house, you must let him decide how to...handle the accusations.” Aragorn calmly said; he then helped both women with their luggage to cross the gates.

Legolas did not offer his help, once again.

Helmi calmed down seeing that Aragorn, at least, was a gentleman: “Thank you, Your Highness...it is a very sore subject, as you might imagine, yet one that we must address, at least before you go on with your...mission. “

Aragorn stopped for a minute: “ Who sent you, really?How are you going to help us, my Lady?”

“ We do have knowledge and, more importantly, means to assist you in destroying the damm Ring, I assure you. We are Friends. “Then Helmi gave a cold look at Legolas, who dared insinuate they were foes. “ But first, my Lord we must deal with “

“Glorfindel, my deadbeat father.” Caroline finally said, trying to prevent even more drama coming out of Helmi´s mouth.“ I suppose he is out rescuing Frodo? Or maybe is Arwen  the one to rescue Frodo in this version? Well, I am not sure, but allow us to speak with Lord Elrond and everything will become clear in a second.”

 

***

Lord Elrond was furious. Livid. Seeing red.

“WHERE IS GLORFINDEL?Where is he?”

“My Lord, you do not think they are telling the truth? It cannot be!” Legolas was clearly very upset and confused, but Elrond would have none of it.

“Legolas, what do you know? Glorfindel do as he pleases, that is the truth. Long time ago, I made him vow he would stop claiming the virtues of the female members of my household. I assumed he would find his release with pleasure workers, discreetly...but it seems I have been wrong.”

“I told you, golden boy. “ Helmi said without any hint of resentment. “ You should start losing some of your innocence, Greenleaf, you are old enough to know better.”

 

***

 

When Glorfindel finally made his entrance, Scarlet lost it.

She managed to hit her father on his very handsome face, screaming on the top of her lungs : “YOUR FUCKING SON OF A BITCH!!!”

Legolas and Aragorn were able to restrain her, while Glorfindel cleaned the blood coming out of his perfect, roman nose : “ Who is this feisty one?” he said, with a smile.

“Your daughter, your piece of shit. And her name is Scarlet and the blond one, her name is Caroline” Helmi answered, her voice filled with disgust.

Glorfindel raised an eyebrow and looked at Scarlet again; then he looked at Caroline; his face showed he knew who they were and from where they had come from.

Helmi continued :“ Do you even remember a woman named Moira? You met her at Tolkien´s funeral when she was seventeen. You told her to remain faithful to you, that you were married in the eyes of The Valar and would spend a week per year with her. Twenty years of this crap and you finally agreed to start a family. When you returned after Scarlet and Caroline were born, Moira finally broke up with you sorry elllon ass because you had given her an STD…”

“What is an S..TD?” Aragorn asked.

“Sexual transmited disease. Proof enough that Glorfindel was sticking his elfhood in anything that moved and ended up giving the woman he said he loved a very disgusting case of crabs.”

Glorfindel was a gorgeous creature. Helmi detected that he was not actually evil, but...irresponsible. He looked sad when she mentioned Moira and ashamed about the STD accusation. “ Scarlet; Caroline. I am very sorry, but it is all true. I acted less than honourably with Moira. I am glad your mother finally allowed you to visit; I had requested her many times, but she was right in waiting for you to reach adulthood; this way you can understand us better.”

Caroline always knew she had taken after his father's side of the family, but looking at Glorfindel was like looking in the mirror. She felt...connected to the ellon, regardless of anything. However, there were so many answers she wanted from him...and she decided to started asking :

“How many brothers and sisters we have?”

All eyes fell on Glorfindel, who positively looked like he got caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

“That I know, only you and Scarlet. About your mother….Moira...How is she? Maybe now, she would listen to me and...”

“Mom is dead...that is why we came.” Scarlet said firmly. “ She wished for us to learn about our heritage and to bring you to Justice. She felt strongly that something must be done to prevent such...indiscretions to keep happening. Where we come from,in Ireland, there has always been talk of elves coming to visit, seducing young women just to leave them with child. We are proof the rumours are true.”

“It seems elves think Earth girls are easy and, because of that, there is no need to take any precaution. We are not against you guys actually going there and having a good time- women also have needs and , let's face it, you are quite good looking folk.” Oh yes, they were; between the Gate and Elrond´s study, the three girls had been given a glimpse into elven paradise.” We simply  ask your lot to stop bullshiting us and you know, not impregnating anyone under false pretenses.”

Helmi then asked Glorfindel point blank why he went to Ireland with the sole intention of having sex with humans if he could have any elleth he wanted.

“They are more impressionable… that is also why I only went with inexperienced elleths... I lack self control, so to speak and...accidents happen. I am very old and I was re- embodied and this in turn made me...less capable of controlling all my functions.”

Glorfindel was now seriously ashamed; the men in the room understood exactly what the ellon was trying to explain, without going into details. His “ problem” seemed to have melt some of Lord Elrond's fury and Aragorn face betrayed a sort of masculine solidarity that was detrimental to what Helmi and Scarlet were trying to accomplish there.

“Hey, if you are asking us to take pity in your penis malfunctioning from time to time, you should remember that taking your pleasure has consequences. Moira might not be the only one you left behind with child. Does it not bother you, to know that?”

Glorfindel considered Helmi´s words for a second, which, in itself, already enerved her, but he did answered with at least a good enough explanation : “I would return and observe my mates a year after our encounters. I am positive Scarlet and Caroline are my only daughters. I would have felt if I had more.”

After another hour of discussion, they reached a settlement: Glorfindel would officially recognize Scarlet and Caroline as his daughters; he would  send letters to all elvish dwellings, confessing to have contracted a marriage to a mortal, and announcing that his daughters had reached adulthood-

Glorfindel being the Lord of the House of the Golden Flower and of noble blood made of Scarlet and Caroline Ladies. Lord Elrond said he would task Lady Arwen, his daughter, into giving them lessons and explaining what would be expected of them.

Glorfindel also agreed in taking Helmi “under his protection” and adopted her as daughter. They mentioned how Glorfindel would pay heavy dowry to have her wed a suitable Lord, someone who would overlook her mortal status.

Helmi just rolled her eyes: “ When and If I want to get married, _Ada_...I will get married. I am perfectly capable of finding myself an elf ass, if I want, okay? “

The men in the room looked at each other; Helmi did not care. They were proving to be quite hypocritical pigs and she did not care. _It is always good to have some money...so, yes, I will get my hands on this dowry_.

“Well, now that everything is settled you should be discussing what to do with a certain ring…”

 

***

The Council was a bore.

“Frankly, Peter Jackson's version was far superior; the real Boromir, poor guy, looks constipated. He does look like Sean Bean and I love Sean Bean...perhaps he can have my flower and my gold. nah...I really dislike his Father. ”

Scarlet had to agree but now that she was among her own and not wearing the magical earrings, her heightened elvish senses were kicking in.

“ I concur, Helmi, but we must be discreet when disdaining among the elves; they have super hearing.”

“Shit! Well, I am glad I did not say anything about what I really think of this Erestor guy...maybe we should speak in broken spanish when we are alone?”

“Por supuesto!” Scarlet answeed.

*How does it feel now that you are a Lady? The way I introduced you, those poor folks think you were living on a paper House.*

*It is very weird. Mother loved this guy, this elf. She was in this crazy relationship for twenty over years and he screwed up. I hope Mother was here to hear what he had to say because I feel he hurt her more than he hurt me. She was a great mom after all.*

*True, my friend. It is tough being with someone for so long. I would say that he did not make really an effort, But I cannot really judge. Your father basically died and was brought back to life just to be a soldier. I am not apologising him, but it should have had some impact on his emotions.*

 

***

“Lady Scarlet is apparently skilled with the sword. I am curious to see Lady Helmi´s presentation about the upcoming quest.” Aragorn commented to Boromir, who was against the participation of a woman in the Fellowship and had made it abundantly clear to anyone in hearing distance.

“I pray she can hold her own in battle; we already have to train the four halflings and contend with Orcs and other perils along the way.”

They were interrupted by Helmi, Caroline and Scarlet, still clad in their outrageous outfits.

“Guys, Guys, a minute, please! “ Helmi demanded their attention and their attention she got; they followed her to an area outside, where Lindir had organized an improvised shooting range.

“As you know, my talents lie elsewhere, namely in the art of talking down to people until they do my bidding, but I also happen to be some sort of scholar in my time. So, once it was decided that we were to come here, Lady Scarlet , Lady Caroline and I started to think about strategies.”

After making a dramatic pause, Helmi continued: “ We do not have magic in our world, but we have science and cunning. That is why I tell you how you are going to defeat the bad guys without losing any member of the Fellowship: by not playing fair. By not playing nice. By cheating!”

Caroline came and opened one of the trunks, revealing the AK- 47 they brought with them, while Helmi dramatically declared : “I now present you with your gifts: firearms!”

“AK 47 is an assault rifle. We believe it is a great responsibility to carry such guns, so we will only be offering training on how to assemble, keep and repair the rifle to the soldiers of the group.To fire, the operator inserts a loaded magazine” - Caroline raised the item for everybody to see before delivering to Helmi, who continued with the explanation- “, pulls back and releases the charging handle, and then pulls the trigger “

Caroline then fired the target, a pole covered with pork meat and mail.“ The AK has excellent penetration when shooting through heavy foliage, walls or a metal and into an opponent attempting to use these things as cover.“

 

***

The visitors were given adjoining rooms in a secluded area of the House, apparently upon request of Lord Glorfindel, who suddenly became a concerned parent.

A very beautiful elleth, dark hair and piercing blue eyes entered the room after knocking on the door : “Good evening, my name is Arwen and my Father, Lord Elrond, asked me to provide you with suitable clothing for dinner.”

“Oh, I had not realized we were clad in unsuitable attire…” Helmi winked at Arwen, who understood the joke and offered a smile.

“How is life as an elleth, Arwen? My sister and I are quite...overwhelmed at this. I had read a lot about you and your customs without realizing that my father was an ellon. And to think one day I would have to chose…”

“I believe you will find out with time. You must live among us long enough to feel the changes in you. Then, in the future, you can make the choice.

This was something Helmi could not talk or share any of her insights with Scarlet and Caroline. She had just read the books and watched the films once, while her friends had been immersed in what they thought it was a fictional world for years.

Now, they had the opportunity to speak to someone about her doubts and fears, so Helmi was quick to change into the plain dress, made up an excuse and went exploring the place on her own.

 

***

Legolas felt bad for treating the world travellers and the she-peredhesl so harshly; it was something he had learned in all his years as member of his Father´s guard, to intimidate trespassers and distrust strangers.

There was no male in Rivendell present that day that did not find the three of them to be...pleasant to gaze upon? Scarlet and Caroline were a very different breed of elleth, having been raised among men of another world, not to mention being the daughters of Glorfindel, a warrior without par.

Their friend, Helmi, was a commanding presence. Legolas did not want to admit but he was...scared of this daughter of men. For what he heard from others, this feelings were shared by many at Imladris.

_I am glad she is not the one travelling with us…_

“Oi , Greenleaf!” Helmi said with naturality, as if she had known Legolas all her life. She then offered him a smile and leaned in over the balustrade covered with flowers. “ We started our acquaintance on the wrong foot. I would like to apologise if I caused any offense.”

“I should be the one apologising, my Lady, for doubting your words. As soon as I find opportune, I will apologise to the Ladies Scarlet and Caroline too, I assure you.”

“It gladdens me that we have set our differences aside. Scarlet will be _thrilled_ to hear from you soon. Would you mind showing me around, Legolas? I am afraid I might get lost and I wanted to give Scarlet, Caroline and Arwen privacy. They are discussing elvish stuff.”

They walked through the gardens and fountains of the place and Legolas found Helmi to be good enough companionship, this until she started asking him about his _father_ :

“So, Legolas, I heard many marvellous things about your lands and your father. It seems King Thranduil  enjoys his wine and the lands have a lovely chaotic feel to it, which in my opinion, is much better than the orderly perfection I see all around Imladris.”

 _She surely is joking._ “My Lady, darkness is spreading through our lands; that is one of the reasons I must fight, for Ada is doing what he can to prevent our woods to fall.”

“Oh, so King Thranduil is hard at work. How dutiful of him.” Helmi gave Legolas the most lovely, fake smile she managed without hurting her facial muscles.” You must be proud. Is it true that he wears the most amazing robes and rides an elk?”

“You sound quite fascinated with my father, I must say. Did you read much about him? In the books?”

“Legolas, you are very perceptive. Mind you, I thought for years that Middle Earth was a fictional world, so obviously I had my favorite characters and fantasies.” _Well, now that I mentioned._ “Do not tell her I told you this, but our Scarlet was quite taken with you from the stories, she thought you were the best fighter, most charming male there was or there ever be.”

Legolas blushed so furiously that Helmi was afraid his head would explode. “Lady Scarlet thinks highly of me?”

“Well, let's be honest here. _Thought_. Because, frankly, you were a jerk with us, but I dare say the both of you will spend enough time together to become good friends. So, yes. Scarlet is very into you, Legolas...Now, about your father and his elk...”

The Elven Prince allowed himself a hint of smile at the revelation and he told Helmi that he also wished to become friends with Lady Scarlet.

“I am happy we already established this mutual desire of friendship, my Prince, but since you are refusing to answer my innocent inquiries about your homeland and your father, I must conclude I have crossed some boundary and, for that, I apologise.”

This had the expected effect of reassuring Legolas that Hemi was merely making conversation and not shameously trying to gather as much information as she could on Thranduil. “No, my Lady, forgive me for I am overly cautious.”

“Hmm...sure... but tell me about His Royal Highness, King Thranduil...is he all that? He is one of my favorite characters, of course. He and his Elk. Oh my...tell me: there is an elk, right?”

 

***

Helmi was all about teaching and training the members of Fellowship, with the help of Caroline, who would be staying behind at Imladris; not everybody wanted to live the glamorous life of a 10th walker ( actually, Scarlet won the honour by default) and there was a lot of work to be done backstage for the mission of saving Middle Earth be accomplished without much bloodshed.

“The books tell us men, dwarves, hobbits and elves defeat the great enemy. It is an amazing story that inspire new generations; they learn about friendship, honour, overcoming fears...all that matters in life. And while we do not wish to change the result, we were sent here to save lives.”

Helmi then noticed that Boromir looked bored; she was talking about the mongols and how their use of silk shirts underneath armour to prevent arrows from damaging their internal organs.

“Hey, Boromir...do you have something to say? Do you think is it a joke what am I doing here, big boi?”

The man of Gondor smiled: “ It is war, my Lady; of course there will be death!”

“Honey, the only one here dying is you, for fuck´s sake! Use the bloody skirt shirt otherwise orcs will fucking kill when you almost go crazy for the Ring- although you overcome the temptation and save the hobbits.”

After that, the fellow jerks started to behave- and Helmi stopped telling them what would happen.

In the last weeks of their stay, Helmi decided her part in the war had to be re-evaluated.

“Girls, you obviously are staying here; we all know Legolas wants to hit your irish ass, Scarlet and that Caroline just needs to choose which one of the Elrond's twins she will bang. Cool, I am all for you having fun and, since you are Ladies, I understand they expect you to marry and shit. BUT...I need to find something to do, right? I cannot simply stay here without  a job!”

Scarlet had also thought about this; she had an idea: “ The elves keep talking about how The Age of Men is coming...like it is such a terrible idea that they all need to sail. I am half elf and I do not care about Valinor. I mean, it could be that once I reach the Sea I have the longing, but nah...I doubt it. I would rather stay. The White Council has no representation of Woodland...of the Race of Men…”

“Gotcha, sister. I will sit my huge butt on that chair. I also intend of...moving to Woodland during the war. The books do not go in detail about the destruction of Dol Guldur and I am very interested in a certain elk. Frankly, Lady galadriel has always scared the shit out of me and I don't want to live in a forest with golden leaves.”

Helmi had come to become friends with Arwen, but she was not looking forward to mop around or handle Elrond´s household. Every since her mother sailed, poor girl has been all work and no play. Helmi even tried to interest Arwen in partying, but she was too worried about the whole war to even think about it.

Woodland elves seemed to have more fun; their King rode a FUCKING ELK! And, as far as Helmi knew, the silvan were not all too keen in going to Valinor.

“Dude, you are so going to fuck Thranduil…” Caroline said with a smirk. “ This of course, if he is as hot as Lee Pace, but less gay I assume.”

“Nah, I don't know girls...guy is still all sad because wife died. You know me all, I am not into complicated guys. I have my own problems; I do not want to deal with a fucking King that likes diamonds.”

Helmi had expected things to be different, but it seemed that elves did lead very orderly lives on Middle Earth. _The whole thing with Glorfindel was indeed the typical case of tourists misbehaving while abroad._

Would she be able to actually stay there: “ Girls, you should also started preparing for the event I chose to leave. I love you to death and yes, my life is pathetic back home, but at least I have my Amazon Prime Account and a very cozy flat.”

“We do not know if we are staying too, Helmi, but yes...you should not stay here if you are not going to be happy.” Caroline was the one to integrate to life at Imladris the fastest; even Scarlett had a hard time going without coffee, but the blond woman had been living in the countryside for some time before they departed and had always been the kind interested in crafting things and enjoying the great outdoors.

 

  



	2. Toga!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Toga Party at Rivendell has some unexpected consequences.  
> Helmi finally reveals who is her favorite character in Lord of the Rings and Legolas is not pleased.

“A party to be remembered through the Ages…”

For once, a tagline that perfectly encapsulated an event: The Fellowship send away feast had ever lasting effects, as important as defeating Sauron a final last time.

“We have a chance to confirm a theory of mine with the Toga Party.” Helmi had given the matter much thought, she decided that to wear Togas would help the elves get away from their inhibitions... she suspected all those rules were nothing more than social constructs after all and wanted to prove it.

“They claim to have mastered their emotions and, for what Tolkien wrote, sex equals love, there cannot be rapes among them, adultery is not even a word and their families are small because they lose interest in sex after the children are born...

Come on...this cannot be true. Look at the First Age!

I suggest that elves are not only able to control their body functions through their enhanced minds, but they also place mental barriers on their most basic urges; it is not  as much as they _cannot_ commit adultery, but they believe they _should_ not, and have _convinced_ their bodies they can only desire one being.

Eöl must probably date raped Aredhel and she lived; Finwe did remarry after what amounted as having filed for divorce...they must have simply learned that having two families was recipe for disaster and decided to simply ban people from seeking divorce through mind control...Feanor had seven children and was not like, burn out...quite the contrary, the guy went bananas and started running amok.

No, no...elves are wild! They just...do not like to be remind of the fact”

Caroline  was most interested in the experiment:” Yes, I believe that is exactly how it works and I have a suggestion to...err...help they take the plunge. But we can only do that once the Hobbits go to bed...they are all too innocent and what I have in mind is definitely no children's play.”

“I am all ears, dear sister…”

 

***

While Caroline and Scarlet shared only a womb, Elladan and Elrohir were identical twins and their bond, much stronger.

Caroline was immediately attracted to them and very relieved when she found out that yes, there were things that they did separately and no, they did not share the same chambers- grown ass elves sleeping in bunk beds would be a deal breaker.

Warriors from head to toe, the twins dedicated their lives to kill Orcs, but that was not to say that warring was their only occupation. Elladan was more scholarly inclined than his brother and enjoyed to spend some time reading, while Elrohir would relax after training at arms by tending to his private garden.

It made things even more difficult, as Caroline was equally impressed by their few differences and attracted by all their similarities.

“Hey Elladan, I was thinking that maybe we could start a book club.” Caroline missed the intellectual stimulation of college already in the first week she spent on Middle Earth and while a book club would not be the same, it could be fun, especially if it meant spending time with the handsome ellon.

“Lady Caroline, what exactly is a book club ?” His eyes were so beautiful and Caroline dared to say they were a tid bit lighter than Elrohir´s, but perhaps she was imagining things…

“First, we gather people interested in reading. A book is chosen and everybody has to read it. We then meet and discuss our thoughts and impressions of what was read. “

Elladan loved the idea and, for a couple of days, Caroline was sure that her heart had chosen him...only for Elrohir to come out of nowhere, take her hand and lead her to the garden.

“Since we met,  I thought you reminded me of a rose...this one has only now blossomed...and I named it Caroline, for it as beautiful as you are.”

She blushed and giggled like a teeanger.

_Fuck, I really need to decide._

When she met Helmi , Caroline started to chant, a lá John Belushi: “ Toga! Toga! Toga!”

 

***

Legolas was driving Scarlet insane.

He would be the first to stare at her ass when she was not looking, but yet refused to touch her to correct her posture as he should and as a result, Scarlet not only missed the target, but also hurt her hand, as she placed too much pressure on the bow when she should have not.

Aragorn, from all people, tried to set the two up for a much needed normal date night, but all Legolas managed to do was speaking in platitudes, about the upcoming fight.

“Could you, for a second, stop talking about the darkness spreading through Middle Earth?” Scarlet spat. “ I mean, if all you can think of is how Sauron has twisted and corrupted many, he is already winning, can't you see? We need to focus on the good things…”

Legolas got offended at this outburst: “ This is because you have not been fighting Orcs all your life...to you, we were just characters in a children's book. Maybe you should go back to your perfect world!”

Oh, no...Scarlet did not back down :“Well, golden boy, my world is as filthy as yours! There is always a threat to people's safety; there will be always unworthy enemies to be defeated and wars that, if not won, could end everything. My world has saw many of it and , somehow, we managed to make it precisely because we refused to give in to the enemies and continued to live our lives _while_ fighting.”

The next day, Legolas knocked on her door to apologise; Scarlet gracefully accepted it, of course, and could swear she made him blush when she complimented him on his beautiful smile.

_Oh, we are back on track ._

Then, of course, Legolas spent the rest of the day running away from Scarlet as if she had the plague.

So, she joined Caroline when her sister started chanting: “ Toga! Toga! Toga!”

 

***

As acting Lady of Rivendell, Arwen was working alongside Helmi to organize the party; she was the most enthusiastic when the girls explained the concept behind it, and they suspected it had to do with years of being sexually frustrated and the long betrothal with Aragorn, where they made nothing more than holding hands while taking leisurely strolls in the gardens of Imladris:

“We will all be dressing in this...white robes, wearing masks we are to make ourselves and drinking wine the whole night...and we are supposed to behave like Romans did, which means…”

Helmi completed: “ ...means that we will be in the search of pleasure, yes...romans were famously hedonistic people...I mean, they basically threw the greatest party ever while losing their empire. In the end, all they cared was to get wild and eat like pigs. Good old times…”

Arwen´s best friend forever was Lindir´s sister, Lindiel. Helmi was appalled to learn that male elves were quite rude to the girl, who somehow was not considered anywhere near attractive on account of her long, musician's hands and mismatched eyes, one being blue and the other, grey.

_Elves and their very high standards of beauty!_

“Oh, she has all but given up hope, poor Lindiel...and now that I am betrothed to a mortal, she is afraid I will fade and that I will leave her alone.” Arwen lightly touched Helmi´s arm, looking at her with pleading eyes.

_Hmm...she has been doing this a lot lately...who would have thought elves were that physical?_

“You know what? I think I have the perfect guy for your friend...considering that you are _definitely_ marrying Aragorn, she should be moving to Minas Tirith somewhere in the future, right?  Well, Boromir always compliment her skills in the harp…”

Arwen did not need to be told twice. “Splendid! I will tell Estel to ask Boromir if he is partial towards Lindell; I know for a fact that she thinks he is handsome. Maybe we can convince him to dance with her at the party?”

Helmi smiled.

 

***

The Hobbits stayed at the party long enough to watch Helmi, Caroline and Scarlet perform “ Single Ladies”. Scarlet would have prefered “ Buttons” from the Pussycat Dolls, but even Caroline doubted the good people of Middle Earth would understand the concept of “ pushing buttons”.

They had spent a couple of days perfecting the choreography; luckily, Glorfindel was able to magically make the Iphone and speakers work without the need of batteries; they had of course brought along a solar charger compatible with Apple products, but the speakers were from a different brand.

As the wine was flowing for some time now, everybody, even Lord Elrond, were appreciating the truth behind Beyonce´s words:

 

> 'Cause if you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it
> 
> If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it
> 
> Don't be mad once you see that he want it
> 
> If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it
> 
> Oh, oh, oh

 

Scarlet was the one to understand they needed to build up the momentum of the party from there on and called for the Fellowship to join them at the stage, specially built for the occasion.

Caroline was the Mistress of Ceremonies, as she spoke both Sindarin and Westron. “ We are now going to give each and every one of our heroes with a special gift from our world, where you are...well, already known as heroes!”

Thundering applause.

“Legolas, try not to become even more full of yourself, but, in our world LEGO is the name of a beloved kind of toy and they just happened to have turned all of you into lovely figures so...here, Legolas...I present you with LEGO Legolas!”

The Elven Prince was speechless; he held the small version of himself, green cape and yellow plastic hair and smiled:

 

The crowd roared.

They left the Hobbits for last; the small folk were, obviously beyond excited to receive the toys, Pippin being the happiest as he received his own mini version.

Scarlet made they drink some “ale” and soon, Gimli was escorting the little fellows to their chambers.

When Gimli returned, the girls served the guests their “ Special E Punch”.

From then on, they started to boogie.

 

***

The first ones to disappear were the twins and Caroline, of course.

When Helmi- who was the designated sober, to ensure that nothing too wrong, like non consensual would be happening that night- played “Only”, by Nine inch Nails , Caroline was dancing sandwiched by the two.

 

> Less concerned
> 
> About fitting into the world
> 
> Your world that is
> 
> Cause it doesn't really matter anymore…

 

Who would have thought that nihilism would do the trick and make Caroline finally chose to keep them both?

She was grinding her ass on Elladan´s erection while stroking Elrohir´s cock under the fabric of his toga.

Helmi  muted the song for a second and screamed: “ The three of you...go to your fucking chambers, your perverts!”

They left and did not hear when Helmi announced the first joining of three.

The crowd went wild.

 

***

“Oh, this is so wrong…” Elrohir said while kissing Caroline´s breasts.” I will leave you two alone...oh, by the Valar, why is this so hard?”

“It would be very wrong if you were...you know...to fuck your brother and I am not asking you to do this... we love each other...you can take turns with me..."

With that, Caroline guided them both. “ Elladan, stay behind me, please…” she said, while she gently pushed Elrohir down, caressing his hairless chest as he laid in bed.

She positioned herself before Elrohir´s cock and leaned down, her tongue licking his balls with eager affection. On fours, Caroline started to shake her hips, inviting Elladan to penetrate her and, when he finally did, she swallowed Elrohir at once.

They both started to moan and make the most amazing noises of pleasure almost in unison.

When they came at the _exact_ same time, their marital bond was forged .

 

***

“My Lady Lindiel...would you mind dancing with me?”

In less than five minutes of intense hand holding, eyes locking and chaste kissing, they were gently told to “ get the hell out of here and go to your fucking chambers, your sluts” by Helmi.

Boromir took Lindiel´s hands to his face and gently kissed them: “ Come, my love...if you will accept me, my life is yours.”

“Oh, my Lord Boromir...of course I accept you!”  

Her quarters at Imladris were spacious and organized, facing a small garden that used to be tended by Lady Celebrian, but that now belonged to Arwen.

Boromir thanked the Valar for the Toga- the strange robes were quite easy to undress- and soon, he was sucking Lindiel´s small, taut nipples. “ Oh, it tickles…” she giggled.” I guess I like beards then!”

***

Helmi did not see Legolas and Scarlet.

“This is getting out of hand...before I am to kill anyone who dare gets near you, Scarlet, you should come with me. NOW.” Legolas said firmly, while basically dragging Scarlet to his favorite place in Imladris just outside the walls where five majestic trees sat in a sort of circle, the leaves singing with the gentle breeze of the night.

“Lady Scarlet...do you wish to …”

“Oh you bet I want!”

The togas were discarded in a matter of seconds and Scarlet was laid in the grass, the full moon and the noises of nature as their witnesses.

Legolas pledged himself to Scarlett and her, to him, between wet kisses and love bites.

His lithe and muscular body was surprisingly heavy, but all those days of hard training made Scarlet´s body quite prepared for the lovely movements, the sensual friction and the physical effort in making love for the first time.

She gasped when he entered her, but the burning sensation, the sweet pain and the feeling of being full soon gave way to the greatest pleasure both had ever experienced.

 

***

 

Helmi looked around…

It was simply crazy.

And beautiful.

The usually stoic and taciturn Lord Elrond had already made out with Niriel, the blond haired cook that reminded Helmi of Joni Mitchell and Gandalf, for crying out loud.

Then it was Gimli trying to hold himself back because his father was still around. Helmi came to the rescue, offering Gloin some “juice”. Because she was not an elf and was visibly not affected by the “ E punch”, poor old Gloin accepted it and almost immediately went to bed.

“Lady Helmi, thank you!”

Lindir and the elleth he had been courting for the last 400 years, Meril scooped Gimli for their sordid purposes: “ Come, handsome warrior! You have the most beautiful beard I have ever seen…”

Glorfindel, of course, had already took upon himself to made his move on Lord Erestor _and_ his intern, Caraniel, because of course, he loved nothing more than a young red haired.

Helmi sighted. “ Oh, elvish love...how messy and beautiful!”

“My Lady.” she turned and saw Aragorn and Arwen. “ My betrothed here insists we should not be leaving you alone in a night like this…”

“Oh, come on...this night is yours- and pretty much everyone´s- wedding...you do not need to hold yourselves back because you fear I will be left out. “ She said and was about to leave, but Arwen disarmed her with a look of clear lust.

Aragorn continued:” Yes, we wish to be wed tonight, privately; after the war is won, we will have a ceremony at Minas Tirith...we invite you to take part in our joining, without bonding with us. This means…”

As Helmi later found out, the offer meant that both Arwen and Aragorn ravished her body with their hands, tongues, dildos and anything and everything they could think of...but that Aragorn only stuck his penis inside Arwen´s noble vagina.

 

***

As Scarlet, Caroline and Helmi knew the party would leave a trail of headaches and hangovers behind, they had insisted the Fellowship to leave Imladris two days after the feast and for this, Lord Elrond was thankful.

The next day, however, he asked Helmi, Caroline and Scarlet to private meetings in his solar.

Caroline was to go first: “ Shit...what should I say? I married _both_ his sons by their Customs!”

Helmi just rolled her eyes: “ Own it.. tell him some crap like, they both share the same fea? So, of course, if you married one, you had to marry the other?”

Half an hour later, Caroline emerged looking like the child who was found with a hand in the cookie jar: “ Well...as it turns out, Lord Elrond said he already expected me to marry them both...he just wanted to see if I was pregnant…”

Scarlet went pale: “ and are you?”

“Yes...a boy and a girl...oh my...I will be so fat!” Out of nowhere both her husbands came to her rescue.

Helmi had yet to identify one from another, so she had no idea who said to Caroline: “ Oh, we are sorry, meleth nin...was Ada too harsh with you? It is our fault…”

“No, Elrohir...everything is fine. Your Father just wanted to confirm the parentage of our twins. You are to be father of a girl and you, Elladan, of a boy!”

Then, it was time for Scarlet - and Legolas- to meet with Lord Elrond.

Because Scarlet´ face´s expression when she left the solar was so similar to Caroline´s, Helmi already _knew_ what was going on: “ okay, so you are _also_ knocked up, right?”

“Yep...“

Legolas was beaming with pride. “ Yes, and this means Scarlet will not join the Fellowship; she cannot spend nights in the cold, face starvation and Orcs in her state. “

Well, nobody could argue with _that_.

Lord Elrond suddenly came from his solar and addressed Legolas: “ I will have messengers send a letter to your father, telling him of the...happy developments.” The half elf turned to Helmi and asked her to join him for a “ much needed talk”.

She feared she would be the one to blame for this prank gone bad and was already prepared to fight for her innocence:

“Before you say anything...do not blame the human! The Punch was not the only cause of ...well...the unions that happened during the Toga party and you know this, God dammit!”

“Oh...no, my Lady, you misunderstand; I want to thank you, really…” Lord Elrond gestured for Helmi to sit: “ You see, our numbers have dwindled in the last centuries...with the darkness spreading, many avoided to form attachments and to bring forth life , as a result, we were left without the joy of a elf childs laughter...the last one was born about sixty years ago…”

“Okay…” Helmi said defensively. “ But you must be mad about Arwen and Aragorn...”

“No, I am not... her choice was made long ago and, well...I am sure you have noticed that my daughter favors females. Estel was really the exception to her rule, I can see now.” Elrond really did not look mad, but...almost happy. “ I was trying my best to protect _him_ from a disappointment...but I should have not worried; he is very understanding of my daughter´s needs. I wish them all the happiness and , of course, they agreed to wait for his coronation to formally marry in the rites of Men.”

_Oh, so...that was the real reason Elrond was reluctant ...he thought Aragorn did not know...Arwen, your lovely lesbo!”_

Well, then, everything is good, so, why did you call me because?”

“Because, now that Scarlett is pregnant and Caroline obviously cannot fill in for her because she is also pregnant...that leaves you, Helmi, to join the Fellowship.”

 

***

The amount of tears cried at their farewell from Rivendell could fill buckets and the ones crying the most were Lindir and Meril:

“ Gimli, beloved, please come back safe!” she said , then broke down; Lindir, their husband, held her tight while whispering comforting words

Gloin, Gimli's father, was trying his best to be supportive, as Meril was carrying the product of their passion in her womb and Lord Elrond already confirmed the child was the perfect union of Lindir, Meril and Gimli feas.

“Fear not, daughter; my Gimli is a great warrior, he will be back before you are to give birth.”

Lindiel and Boromir were disgustingly cute together and, of course, she also had a bun in the oven. “ By summertime we shall be reunited at Minas Tirith,my beautiful singing bird.” the gallant man of Gondor said; then he kissed her enormous hands and left.

Much to Helmi´s insistence, Glorfindel- her “father”- was also joining them as her bodyguard. She had finally relented when Lord Elrond agreed she was to be left behind at Lothlorien  and, from there, she would assist Lord Celeborn into marching to Dol Guldur with King Thranduil, which would be happening by Spring time if the timeline would match with the books.

Arwen was _very_ clingy towards Helmi, who tried her best not to be too cold, but couldn't care less about all that ardour. Arwen was beautiful, there was no way around it, but being an elleth, she had no curves whatsoever; as Tolkien had described, there was not so much difference between males and females of the Eldar. The small breasts and the hint of a wider hip were the only things, except the absence of penis of course, that would set both genders apart, and Helmi did not find that very appealing.

_Apparently, I like my men to be men and my women to be women...ugh._

Aragorn did notice Helmi´s detachment ( so much for elves amazing senses; Arwen was oblivious) and decided to be the party pooper and announce they have to move.” Goodbye, friends...may the victory be with us!”

 

***

Helmi was probably the only person happy to enter Moria.

She was grumpy, hungry, stank like a horse and had the worst cramps ever.

She had already screamed at Gandalf that “ the fucking password is MELLON, God dammit!” and could not, in good conscience, allow Gimli to enter that wretched place without telling him the truth but when the dwarf started to cry...Helmi broke down and demanded a group hug, which was...a horrid experience.

They almost crushed the hobbits, who cried in pain.

So, yes, things were bad...Legolas would not shut up about the “ great responsibility of becoming a father”, when was not cracking wise and calling them “ children”...Aragorn was very horny and would not stop trying to get a piece of Helmi´s ass:

“ sorry, darling...my no-no hole will belong to my husband; it is the only thing I have left.”

But the worst, absolutely worst was Boromir, who would cry himself to sleep every single night , missing his “song bird”.

Gimli too was a sentimental type, but he still did not understand how he had married not one, but two elves! “ Truth be told, I do not even remember how I dealt with...the both of them. All I know is that they had smiles on their faces...and my co…”

“HEY...we have hobbits here, Gimli!”

_When did I become the beacon of propriety? Oh fuck, Middle Earth is doomed!_

So, yes....Moria looked like heaven in Helmi´s opinion.

She spoke with Gandalf and Glorfindel about her plans; they needed to discuss how to defeat a Balrog and _live_ to tell the tale.

“Do not die on us, _Daddy_! Scarlet and Caroline begged me to protect you, as if I had any power in my hands…”

The time spent at Rivendell had actually healed the wounds; Scarlett still held back a little, but Caroline had already accepted Glorfindel as her father and even Helmi had to admit that the Balrog slayer was actually a very caring and cool dude. His death and re-embodiment had left deep scars, both physical and emotional; he was not the ellon he had been, but another version of himself, one that had mixed memories and emotions from the First Age, the tragedies of that time still haunting his dreams.

“This will work...I know it will, Helmi, you do not need to fear. “ Glorfindel said as Helmi prepared herself for the most dangerous confrontation of her life.

 

***

“RUN y'all!” Helmi screamed as she attacked the Balrog with the super extinguisher; the monster definitely did not expect that and his fire diminished enough for Gandalf and Glorfindel both jump at him.

At this, Helmi started to run too.

She met the others already outside that terrible place.

“What happened? Did you defeat the Balrog? Where is Glorfindel and Gandalf?”

Helmi did not know. “ I have done my part; I only hope our plan worked. Now we should move...to Lothlorien..to finally meet my favorite character.”

Legolas grimaced:” I thought my Ada was your favorite character, Helmi...I even wrote him that!”

God, that was the sweetest thing Legolas had ever said since they departed Rivendell and Helmi laughed: “King Thranduil is on my top five, yes...and who knows, perhaps when I finally meet him, he will become my favorite after all?”

Merry was curious: “ Lady Helmi, I thought you liked us best! Who is your favorite then?”

“The hobbits are my favorite people of Middle Earth, yes...and you, my favorite hobbits of all! But...hmm...how can I explain? A girl has certain cravings and needs. Once you return to the Shire and get married, you will understand.”

 

***

“HALDIR IS YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTER?”

Legolas was furious: “ The Elvenking is ten times the elf Haldir is!”

“Shush, Legolas...you know Haldir can listen to you, right? “

The marchwarden was already giving Helmi a very inviting smile: “ So, my Lady...when you have time, I can show you my talan!”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. Meet the King

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Helmi meets the Elvenking and has her life changed forever.

The time spent at Lothlorien barely allowed the Fellowship opportunity to breath; when they were not training or sulking about their beloveds at Rivendell, they worried about Frodo and the hobbits. Helmi, for once, was subdued; this until Papa Glorfindel arrived one day, his right arm covered in burns.

While Lady Galadriel was not as skilled at healing as Lord Elrond was, she did a great job in providing pain relief for the Balrog Slayer and Helmi breathed in relief: her mission was now over. No casualties; just  ome of her pride was lost due  the intensity and harships of their trip, the importance of their mission almost suffocating Helmi in more than one ocasion.

This world was one of magic and Helmi only a mortal woman who had thought that elves, hobbits, dragons and orcs were merely legends. Yes, she knew her best friends were half elves and she had travelled to Middle Earth by choice, but despite it all , Helmi had never engaged in real combat, killed anything or spent more than a day without a shower.

She was simply not prepared to this life and felt, for the first time in years, insecure about what to do next. What she did know was what she did _not_ want to do : “ Guys, this is the end for me. I wish you good fortune in the wars to come and , well, I already helped you in all I could. Now it is time for me to go and meet the Elvenking.”

Haldir had been as pleasant as he could get, which meant he really showed Helmi his talan, but theirs was not a relationship of passion as much as it was a friendship with some benefits. They both agreed they could easily had fallen for each other had the circumstances been different and saying goodbye was the definition of bittersweet.

Her experience with Arwen and Aragorn had taught Helmi had “joining” - basically, vaginal penetration- would create a bond and this was a dangerous thing for an elf, to be bonded with a mortal. Nobody cared to explain exactly how it worked and Helmi was too proud to ask, but Haldir was more than open to all her suggestions and explorations.

Courtship among the Eldar was a rigid affair; they had unwritten rules and customs they dared not to defy, but sex was sex;consensual mutual masturbation was part of their repertoire while anything that had to do with penetration- oral included- was a grey area.

Helmi  was happy to have taught Haldir to enjoy grey areas. “Mmmm...I really like this partying gift, marchwarden.” she said breathlessly , his face buried between her legs, that lovely tongue licking and massaging her folds with soft and circular movements, just like she had instructed him two weeks before.

She peaked as Haldir continued to service her, gently pressing her nub, his tingue dancing around with gusto; Helmi had already gave him his release twice already that morning, so  when he finished, Haldir laid at her side and hugged Helmi for what could be the last time. “ It pains me that you must go, but it is for the best.”

She had her doubts: “ You and Legolas seem to be so sure of it. Lady Galadriel made me look into that mirror and what I saw was very confusing. All I care is that the damm ring is destroyed with as little human suffering as possible. War is an ugly thing; I wish to spend the rest of my life in peace.”

Immortality did not grant Elves the antidote for death; if much, it just made them more aware of the brevity of human lifes, not to mention that, everytime one of their own died, their loss was even harder, for they were beings of light in a world still surrounded by darkness and meant to be eternal, and not finite.

Haldir did not like to see his friend doubting her mission and was confident Lady Galadriel saw more than potential in Helmi; the Noldor had taken the mortal girl under her wings during her stay, even overlooking the unusual relationship she had with him: “ We already discussed this, mellon nin; you are here for a reason, you are more than the adoptive daughter of Lord Glorfindel. My Lady confirmed your destiny is in the Greenwoods; even Legolas agrees…”

Helmi cupped Haldir´s face and gave him a goodbye kiss; she would miss the taciturn, but sweet marchwarden, this she was sure. “ I do not like the idea of leaving you alone, my friend; promise me that, after the war is won, you will find time to have fun, to pursue other interests that are not killing Orcs and defending this borders.”

“I will, Helmi.”

 

***

Less than a couple of weeks after the Fellowship left the Golden Wood, Glorfindel returned bringing Boromir. He was injured, but alive and on the way to recover. Helmi sighted; the breaking of the group was inevitable. At least this time around the eldest son of the Steward of Gondor did not perish.

She helped in what she could, basically keeping Boromir company while he recovered from his injuries; Glorfindel would be escorting him to Minas Tirith when time came, but for now, people would have to believe that he was dead. Otherwise the events that depended upon this fact would be changed and nobody knew how this would affect the outcome.

After saying goodbye to Haldir, Helmi quickly passed by the infirmary to speak with Boromir. He was restless, wishing to join the fight and spent the last three days trying to convince everybody that he was battle ready: “ Well, my friend, this is it; I am off to Mirkwood with Lord Celeborn. They say I am to assist King Thranduil...how exactly is the question nobody dares answer me. I know very little about Dol Guldur and how they destroy it…all I wanted was to ride an Elk!”

Boromir had gotten close to Legolas during the trip, possibly because he was now married to an elleth, and looked at Helmi with a smug expression: “ For what Legolas told us, I can only imagine how you will be received by his father; apparently, King Thranduil and you share many...interests.”

“Oh...this...well, Legolas had tried to act as a ringman for his father yes, but the poor guy has not even laid eyes on me and he is immortal. Nobody tells me anything about the Elk he supposedly rides, so honestly, other than the copious consumption of wine, I guess we have little in common.”

Helmi quickly helped Boromir out of the bed for a walk; it was visible that he was still in pain, as the poison the Orcs used was vicious, but he rarely complained, being one of those stoic types : “ Helmi, you are a single woman, a noble one at that. A member of the Fellowship and your sisters are married into Elvish Royalty. From what you told us, your world is very different; here you would need the protection of a home, of a man. You would be more than welcomed in Gondor, of course, or you could travel through cities, visiting your friends and yet, I feel this life would not make you happy. You need a purpose and , if this purpose is to be found at Thranduil's Halls, I say you should not fear it. I would never had imagined I would join the Fellowship and get married when I went to Rivendell...and yet, it happened and I am happy.”

 

***

The Elvenking had been at wit's end with his son and heir, Legolas, well before the creature Gollum escaped his dungeons; he sent the Prince to Imladris to deal with Lord Elrond as a punishment, not as a sign that he trusted his son´s diplomatic skills. Legolas had always been a good son and mindful of his responsibilities, but he behaved more like a 200 years old than a 2000 years old, not showing any signs of wanting to settle down or, well, that he had other leanings.

So, when the letter came explaining that Legolas had not only joined a Fellowship to destroy the One Ring- a great heroic feat that would give his son a life changing experience- but also that he had wedded and impregnated the peredhel daughter of Lord Glorfindel, Thranduil thanked Eru for this miracle and celebrated with wine for three days in a row.

Legolas himself wrote Thranduil not soon after, providing his Father with his own version of the events: Thranduil read the letter many times; his son had been impulsive, yes, that lady Scarlet was a great choice.

However, what was most interesting  in that letter was what his son wrote about the third  and adopted daughter of Glorfindel, a mortal named Helmi:

> “The three sisters are most unusual, but Helmi, who was legally adopted by Glorfindel in accordance to the wishes of Scarlet and Caroline, is unlike any other. She is very strong willed, but also sweet and capable. She held her own against Lord Elrond in the defense of her sisters, is training the Fellowship and is willing to travel to Greenwood and continue to help us in the fight against the Dark Lord. Of course, Helmi is not exactly an easy person and has her moods, but she is very serious in her desire to help. Best of all, she seems to be fascinated by the tales she heard of you and our lands and is, as she puts it- _dying_  -to be introduced to your Elk. Oh, and she is also very feminine and attractive…”
> 
>  

Legolas went on to praise the mortal´s many gifts further and suggested that Thranduil himself took on the responsibility of welcoming the woman into his Halls, showing her around and “ spending time with her in leisurely activities” as if they would have the opportunity in the midst of war.

Had Thranduil not known his helpless son, he would think Legolas was trying to set him up.

Then it was Lady Galadriel; Thranduil positively disliked the Noldor, but respected her nevertheless. Lord Celeborn was a distant relation and would be joining their Forces against Dol Guldur; apparently, it had been foretold that Sauron's forces would be depleted sometime in the Spring. Or, at least, the Dark Lord would be focusing on Gondor and Rohan, giving them the opportunity to finally strike.

Celeborn was to come with fighting men from Lothlorien and plan a coordinate attack on the old and evil fortress.

Lady Galadriel too, made sure to praise the Lady Helmi in her missive, saying that the mortal had “many talents that would become even more important in the years to come, especially for the Greenwood and its King.”

When the scouts he sent arrived telling Thranduil Lord Celeborn was about two days from his Halls, the Elvenking, as a good Host, decided he would leave on the next day to meet them halfway in the woods and escort them to safety.

Thranduil had planned to wear his best armour and riding clothes, but his steward Galion had been found in drunken stupor and forgot to carry out his orders; the disgraced ellon was now demoted to Guard.

Thranduil´s problem remained and there was no time to properly clean the armour and iron his clothes. Reasoning that Legolas had caused a good impression by simply wearing the official uniform of his Woodland Guard, the Elvenking requested the green cloak and leggings Legolas favoured.

Prepared to ride, Thranduil found out that Egnas, his elk, was having gastric problems. He spoke with his animal friend in a sweet tone, wishing him a speedy recovery before finally leaving atop a magnificent horse.

Six hours  later, deep into the woods, they spotted Spiders.

 

***

Helmi had been delighted with the incredibly beautiful, but obviously sick, forest; the trees were huge, the mist as thick as a wall and the smell of wet earth was enticing. Lord Celeborn was on full alert: “ Darkness has spread in this once healthy forest; without a Ring of Power, King Thranduil had no option but to fight against such powerful enemy with his bare hands; his soldiers gave their blood to defend their lands from evil.”

She had a hard time understanding how the Rings worked, except that Lady Galadriel and Lord Elrond were strong enough to use its power without being corrupted by it, like the men and dwarves before. Helmi felt it was unjust that Thranduil was the only one without a ring, but had learned to not make difficult questions, as elves were secretive by nature and she was sure there must have been a good reason to that.

She was deep in thought whe it started; she did not even scream. Acting in pure instinct, Helmi got off her horse and, foolishly, attempted to join in the fight. Rúmil, Haldir's brother, just gave her a stern look; he barely spoke Westron-English, but obviously did not trust Helmi´s battle prowess and assumed a protective instance towards her.

Lord Celeborn was a skilled warrior and general; his men were obviously well trained and Helmi prayed nobody would die, but the spiders kept coming and she started to panic.

It was then that the Wooden Elves arrived and quickly dispatched the disgusting creatures; one ellon in particular was a sight. He was a master swordsman and his movements were graceful, quick and effective. There was nothing flamboyant about this one. Legolas would always put a spectacle by trying to do “ something new” as he claimed it, and Helmi had assumed most elves would be more or less the same as Haldir also liked to show himself off from time to time.

But not this Silver Haired God.

_ Damm! And I am supposed to wine and dine the Elvenking and his elk...how could I even? The blond menace is pure perfection! _

Her breathing was heavy and her vision, clouded; Rúmil squeezed Helmi´s hand and gave her a half smile, no doubt trying to comfort her and make sure she understood the battle was won and she was safe. She smiled back at him, but wished elves were warmer; she needed a hug.

Helmi surveilled the scene; the soldiers were disposing of the spiders, some tending to wounds.  _ Nobody died. _ She breathed in relief. The Silver Haired God was speaking with Lord Celeborn while cleaning his sword. She could not imagine that King Thranduil was more handsome than this one; no, no...Helmi was sure nobody would ever come close to the Silver Haired God.

_ He must be a marchwarden like Haldir; his clothes are similar to Legolas and the Prince himself was patrolling the borders. Shit...I am in love. No...no...this never happened to me. Falling in love at first sight. Guess I have a thing for elven soldiers, especially blonds... _

Helmi decided to something: she  went to assist Rúmil in bandaging a fellow soldier; by now, Helmi fancied herself an expert in medieval first aid and had overcame her discomfort when faced with blood and open wounds.

Her mind was blank and her attention concentrated on the task at hand when she heard Rúmil´s voice twice; she was not sure he was talking to her and did not answer. Was she doing something wrong with the bandaging? Too bad she had just started learning Sindarin...Helmi just raised her eyes to Rúmil and the ellon gesticulated for her to stand up.

Still confused, Helmi only obeyed the command when Lord Celeborn asked her to: “ My Lady...I know it is not the most happiest of times, but I must introduce you to our host, King Thranduil Oropherion.”

Helmi suddenly felt all her energies drained from her; the Silver Haired God was the King. And she looked a mess. She could not even pretend she was not interested because she felt her mouth twitching into one of those silly smiles. She wanted to open a hole in the ground and tbe swallowed by it. _ Shit, I should have used this time to make myself less horrid instead of trying to save a man´s life...I must be smelling like cat pee, covered in sweet and mud and he...he is as beautiful as the morning Sun. _

 

***

It was just like Legolas and Lady Galadriel had suspected: Helmi and Thranduil were made for each other. His wife had died long time ago and refused to be re-embodied, he explained. Apparently, this was a loophole in the Laws of the Eldar, the only allowed possibility of a high ranking Elf marrying a second time around. 

Not for the first time in her life, Helmi was eager to push the boundaries, but it was definitely a first that she was actively trying to get inside a man's pants and being repeatedly told to be patient; Thranduil was a good King and would never take such step without the full approval of his subjects and only after the war was won.

Helmi waited. And while she waited, she worked on tempting the Elvenking every single night with the ardour of her passion, reasoning it was only fair she would make him suffer a little, since he was forcing her to go alone to an empty and cold bed after hours of hot and heavy make out sessions: “ Now, since you are riding to war tomorrow, I decided to put a show for you...a sneaky peak of the things you should expect to enjoy once you return victorious.”

Thranduil took a deep breath; the minx was playing with his self control and he loved her even more for it. “My Lady, if what you plan for tonight is as good as your performance last night, I will fight with double my usual strength, eager to return to your arms.”

“Well, since you clearly enjoyed watching me twerk, I decided to go a step further.” Helmi was tempted into going all Pussycat Dolls on him, but she was afraid he would catch half of the references, so she opted for Rae Sremmurd, which would be impossible for him to understand- God, she herself had no idea what they were singing half of the time- but the beats of “ No Flex Zone” and her hips moving as she undressed would be enough for Thranduil to have a good memory to hold on to.

At first, Thranduil was confused by the concept of lingerie; now he was a particularly devout convert to the Church of lace and silk. When Helmi discarded her top to reveal a lightly lined demi cup, with rhinestones bra, he gasped...and when she finally sat on his lap, her firm and round butt massaging his form erection, Thranduil decided enough was enough.

He made Helmi his Queen that night.

 

***

 

**Epilogue**

 

The children helped their parents cope with the immense emptiness the quest had left in their lives.

They would never the same.

Legolas had heard the seagulls sing and wished to sail to Aman, but was tasked by King Elessar in reviving the colonies at Ithilien; he, Scarlet, Gimli and his family all moved to the sunny and beautiful place that same year. The greatest adventure of their lives, Helmi often joked, was to raise their ever growing broad. Scarlet gave birth to a boy they named Leonard, after Leonard Cohen, her favorite singer, and ten years later to Eirien, a blond haired beauty that reminded everyone of Legolas mother.

Lord Elrond, Lady Galadriel, Gandalf and Frodo all sailed together. The hobbit became an elven friend and as thus was allowed to join his friends in the Undying Lands. Despite all the changes in the quest, Frodo remained the one who paid the highest price: he lost a finger and much of his soul. His friends returned to the Shire with some enforcements to defeat Saruman without delay. Sam, Pippin and Merry went on with their lives, but Frodo...he simply could not.

Boromir had no wish to remain as Steward of Gondor; he agreed Faramir, his scholarly apted brother was better suited for the role. Aragorn made him his Military Commander and he thrived in the role. He had always been a man of action and a job behind desk simply would not have made him happy. Boromir travelled their borders, went in missions to fight against lost pack of Orcs still in action, oversaw the training of their troops and advised Aragorn in all pertinent matters. When he died aged 75 in F.A 34, his wife, Lindiel only waited until their son, Aramir, reached adulthood to sail to Aman; there was nothing more for her in Middle Earth she wrote in her farewell letter.

Elladan, Elrohir and Caroline decided to remain as half elves forever. The choice they were forced to make was pushed back as far as they could. Travel, spend time with their family and friends, offer their services as healers to save lives, train others to do the same and see their children growing up were their priorities. At first, they remained at Imladris, welcoming and feasting the groups of elves who would pass their Gates to the Grey Havens. When their numbers dwindled to the point that keeping Imladris was no longer possible, they intensified the rhythm of their travels, rarely staying at one place longer than a year. Elros and Ellani were very well adjusted despite the intense moving and followed their parents footsteps, also becoming healers in due time.

Lord Celeborn ruled the southern part of the Greenwood; nobody knew when he would be sailing and Helmi had always suspected the marriage to Lady Galadriel had been, at that point, in name only. Clearly, they had loved each other once but if it is already hard to keep a relationship going during decades, imagine for centuries? So, he stayed behind, happily being received over at Thranduil's Halls for big celebrations, enjoying his wine and the good food and chatting with anybody that had a good story to tell.

Haldir and his brothers finally separated; the marchwarden had swore an Oath to guard and protect Lord Celeborn, whereas Rúmil and Orophin wished to join their Lady and parents in Aman. Thranduil knew of Helmi and Haldir´s friendship and did not mind one bit; he trusted both his wife and the ellon with his life and would never spoil their happiness with the pettiness of a jealous heart.

For they knew it would not last forever.

Helmi gave Thranduil two daughters in the space of five years: Princesses Lea and Aurora, after the Star Wars  heroine and the Sleeping Beauty fairytale respectively. Sharing in Thranduil's life force by carrying his children provided Helmi with a longer and healthier life than expected, but did not grant her immortality.

And as the years passed her by and she watched their friends grew old, die or sail never to return, the once vivacious woman became more and more melancholic. Not sad; no never sad, depressed or resentful, but a strange kind of calmness in the face of her impending death that surprised even herself.

Helmi was ready to accept the gift of men as she announced to Thranduil after she turned one hundred years old, still looking as young as she was at forty: “ You took a vow not to leave the Greenwood, to become one with the Forest. I want to be buried here, with you. I do not want to sail and be forever alone. I want to die and meet my parents in the afterlife, because now...after all I have seen, I finally believe there is one.”

Thranduil had never regretted taking the vow; it had been his Duty as a Sindar accepted by the Silvan elves as their ruler, to embrace their choices and customs. A significant portion of those Elves would never sail; their lives, they felt, were the woods and they would happily release their spirits and enter the trees, plants and waters, or wander as spirits of the Forest.

But now, seeing that his vow would be the cause of Helmi´s death, for the first time Thranduil vacillated: “ Perhaps there is a way...I could call a Council and vote...like the democracy you speak so fondly, I could defer the decision to my people...maybe most of them changed their minds…”

“No, please...you cannot set about changing the rules when it benefits you personally. I fell in love with the best of Kings and, as much as I think democracy is the better system, the Silvan Elves preferred to have you as their King, and for a good reason.”

Helmi had arrived as a force of nature; intense, harsh and vibrant. Her coming to Middle Earth had been an afterthought. She was disillusioned with her life and agreed to join Caroline and Scarlet to assist them in searching for their father not only because she loved her friends, but also because she knew a return would be possible.

The bleakest and lowest point of her life was when she joined the Fellowship: it had not been her choice, she was not prepared for it nor she desired to take part in such an important task. Helmi hated to be out of her element and fighting Balrogs or looking at magical mirrors had showed her that she was no hero. She would cry herself to sleep every single night and curse herself for being so stupid as to imagine that travelling to Middle Earth in the middle of the most crucial moment in the history, in the midst of war, would be a good way to spend her forced vacations.

Helmi had never been a romantic, too cynic and rational for it; short term sexual relationships were the norm of her life on Earth. Everytime things would be getting serious with a man, she would run away. Why? She had asked herself many times but had no answer to it.

Until that day she laid her eyes on Thranduil.

 _Love at first sight_. It had healed Helmi from a disease she did not even know she had. Her qualities were counterbalanced by her flaws and, many a time, her worst side took over. After she met Thranduil, Helmi strived to become a better version of herself. Returning was not an option; her home was where Thranduil was and suddenly she realized her life on Earth had been the ilusion: she had lost so much time working for a stupid company just to pay rent whereas on Eryn Lasgalen Helmi had the opportunity to use her intelligence and management skills to make a difference.

The change was complete when she became a mother: Lea and Aurora were her treasures. Helmi felt strongly that Middle Earth had to change; now that darkness had been defeated, it was time for their views to be updated. She raised her daughters in privilege, it was true, but constantly reminded them of their responsibilities. Some wars are won with guns while others, with words, and she pushed King Elessar to pass Laws that protected women and children from domestic violence and prohibited forced marriages. It was a tough sell and it would take decades for the changes to be internalized by that retrograde society, but Helmi was content she had done her part.

In the year 119 of the Fourth Age, Queen Helmi died surrounded by her friends and family.

She was 143 years old.

 

***

Thranduil held her hand; it had been warm not even two minutes ago. Now, it was cold. Her hair, long curls of black and white, remained unchanged. Her face was as beautiful as it had been on the day they joined their bodies and spirits; he leaned in to plant a last kiss on her lips, a single tear dropping on her skin.

Their second born, Aurora, was named after a Princess who fell into a deep sleep only to be woken by a true love kiss. Was that a legend or a prophecy? Thranduil kissed her again; he truly loved her, but she would not wake up.

He was left in a void, sobbing and holding her body. His senses deserted him; Thranduil was not even sure he was breathing, his eyes shut and his mind, deep in darkness.

Cold. He felt cold. A warm hand on his shoulder made him return to reality. “Ada...Ada...please…” Lea was holding back her tears, trying to be strong for his sake; Thranduil was now not only broken, but ashamed of himself, for forcing his child out of her own grieve.

They were all waiting outside; Helmi had said her goodbyes and asked them to leave and wait. “ It will not take much long now, I am afraid. “ She did not want her children to see her fighting; her soul was prepared, but the body...the human body always fought for life. Thranduil, the love of her life, did not deserve to see it, but she wanted him there. “ I am sorry...I have always been selfish. It is not a beautiful sight, you know...I am sorry.”

“Shuush…” Thranduil laid by her side. “I love you.”

“I love you too. Do not leave sadness overcome you; I hate this elvish thing of fading: I love you and I want you to continue. It will get better. My mother is... “

And like this, Helmi was gone.

 

***

The next year, King Elessar died.

Legolas and Scarlet finally sailed. Caroline, Elladan and Elrohir were, for the first time, considering it and five years after Helmi died, they visited Thranduil's Halls for the last time.

They found the King sitting in his throne of wood and stone; he was wearing his crown of leaves, as Autumn had come again. The audience was brief, just a formality they had to observe. “ Come, friends...let´s feast this joyous occasion.” he said as they walked to the Dinning Hall.

Eryn Lasgalen still traded with the men of Dale and the Dwarrows of Erebor; its King continued to offer his guests the best vintage of Dorwinion wine and her subjects were as happy to celebrate the Feast under the Stars as they were centuries before.

Caroline smiled with herself. Thranduil was content; Aurora had stayed with him and took good care of her father. Twenty years ago, she had married Haldir, the marchwarden that had almost caught the heart of her mother once,  and was now waiting their first child.

The conversation flowed and without noticing, Caroline started to speak about her friend, Helmi. How they had met as children. And she continued on and on, stories from their past, from those glorious days when they were young and innocent.

As Caroline spoke with clear affection and others at the table started to share their own memories of the late Queen, Aurora noticed that Thranduil was listening with rapt delight, smiling the whole time.

Helmi had been rigth; it would get better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, my intention here was to play with the tropes of " modern girl fall into middle earth" in a very light, almost farcical way. I had struggled with fidning the right balance with this one and the Epilogue is among the saddest things I wrote. 
> 
> But I wrote because I seldom see a human- elf pairing in the context of dimensional travel that actually deals with mortality. The main characters is as far as Mary Sue goes ( and, incidently, Mary Sue is sexist; I met many all capable and beautiful women- they exist_ I personally consider Maruy Sue to be characters that lack depth and are flawless, which is different from competent and amazing women ) because, like most of us, we learn to become better human beings with age. 
> 
> So here you have silly humour, toilet humour, sex, romance and a sad but realistic ending. It is far from my most popular fic, but believe me, I had fun with it. And I hope the ones who gave it a chance also had some fun. and I apologise for those who thought it was rubbish_ we cannot win always!


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